Attachment, Curriculum and... Power Steering

     I am reading a book called Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. The book is not written from a Christian viewpoint but has been very helpful. It talks about how all warm-blooded creatures copy and learn from their parents until they are ready to be adults, but our contemporary Western society has undermined the role of parents in nurturing their children by becoming extremely peer-oriented. Instead of taking our cues from parents and "elders" we focus on peers. Even as adults we become very peer-oriented—so much so that we don't even realize it.
     One of the things that stands out to me in this book is the fact that there is great power that lies in a healthy attachment relationship between a parent and child. The authors compare this to power steering. The person (or group) to which our children is attached has the power to steer their lives. The question is which way will the person with this power turn the child. Parents generally realize that they have some responsibility to nurture and guide their children, and when a child has a healthy attachment to their parent or another responsible, caring adult, they will respond to the guidance of that person. That person can easily influence the direction of the child's life. When a child become peer-oriented, the child resists the parents' attempts to steer their life and instead responds to the peer group's demands for conformity. The peer group has control of the steering wheel.

     I have noticed that much attention in Kids' Ministry circles is devoted to curriculum. This is not altogether unimportant. Curriculum helps to define the course or direction in which we want a child or group of children to go. However, I think that without the power to influence (or steer) a child, the best curriculum in the world will not accomplish much. And what leads to the power steering effect? Healthy attachment (i.e., a healthy child-adult relationship). In fact, the end goal of parenting and children's ministry is relational—to connect the children to Jesus. So, our whole ministry must be focused on building relationships with children, or it will have little impact no matter how impressive our curriculum!